*Just a sidenote before you start reading. When I’m writing, I just automatically assume my audience is a bunch of gay men. Sometimes I address issues as if talking directly to a gay male. And then other times, I kind of switch back and forth and address heteros too. So sorry if it’s a bit confusing. Retrofit this blog as you see fit for your situation. That is all.*
My boyfriend jokingly told me he was legitimately scared of me.
This was a few days after he had sent me a meme one of his Instagram followers had posted. My ears perked up like an angry pekingese. I lurked his Instagram page, screen captured that same follower’s comment on one of his photos — which by the way, featured the kissy face emoji which to me reads as, “bust this puss open” – and I proceeded to blow it out of proportion through text.
Just two hours prior, we had actually hung out. We went to the gym and loitered in the parking lot, talking about work, goals, and other mushy shit. After he had sent me that meme, I had suddenly gone complete apeshit — just straight up turned into Kanye West bickering about complete nonsense with a side of a Kehlani breakdown. I had, as they say, gone from 0 to 100.
Eventually, we squashed the problem, but the thought of being called crazy was panging in the back of my head.
I’ll admit. I’m wrong for overreacting and being jealous. And for the next couple days before he forgave me, I ended up suffering a huge deal because I thought he’d be scared enough to break up with me. I demonstrated every symptom of a relationship psychopath.
I am one. I openly admit to being the jealous type. I know it’s not an excuse, but it took years of experience to craft all this. I’ve been cheated on, ghosted, catfished, used, abused. I’ve also sat (and cried) through numerous episodes of Ryan’s Roses in the car.
And in this technological era of swipe-right-to-fuck, dragging this kind of baggage to Grindr is dangerous. Because bitch, I catch feelings.
I know I’m not the only one. There are legions of us crazy bitches out there. We can’t sleep when the significant other is partying with the homies. We’re pacing back and forth; sucking down cigarettes when they haven’t text back in the 5-millisecond window we give them. And in many cases, we start fights for menial shit. Like seeing a shoelace on their Snapchat story and demanding to know, “WHO IS HE?”
But my man invests a lot of time and effort into reassuring me. He hasn’t thrown in the towel even though he says my nagging can be too much. In fact, whenever he’s not working, he spends his time with me. I owe him that same effort.
And it’s hard! Because in my mind, my man is a divine being sculpted from the semen of Zeus himself. He also gets over 100 likes on his Instagram selfies and I just have to sit back and pretend none of these bitches out there are jacking off to him.
But there’s been a few things that I’ve learned in this relationship and things that I have come to accept that have somewhat helped me cope. So if you’re an overthinking, jealous, analytical boyfriend or girlfriend, take heed. We’ll get through this together.
(1) You’re just going to have to accept that there are people masturbating to your significant other’s photos.
In a perfect world, people would hit the back button the minute they discover the relationship status. But bitch, this ain’t no perfect world. It’s marred with error, blemished with wrongdoing, shadowed by shadiness. People are going to hit that follow button and spank the monkey REGARDLESS of your presence on their page.
There’s not much you can do. You can’t show up at their house and knock on their window. You can’t force your significant other to block people or set their profile on private. You roll with the punches — or strokes I should say — and just relish in the fact that your man is the shit and people are going to lust over him.
(2) No use lurking. His friends, exes, ex-flings, and random adds are going to be attractive. Maybe even — dare I say — hotter than you?
My dude’s into fashion; so other attractive bloggers and Instagrammers who know how to dress their body type follow him.
But while they may have the perfect hair styling products, six-pack abs, tattoos you can only wish you had the money for, and lavish jobs that allow them to travel to other countries for the most exquisite of selfies, guess what they don’t have? A relationship with him.
Instead of comparing yourself to these fine specimens, acknowledge the fact that your significant other has chosen you. This is the opportunity for you to sit your ass down and love yourself. There’s clearly something different about you. Maybe you don’t give a fuck about what people think? Maybe you’ve got a different mindset? Shit, maybe you’re just a breath of fresh air from the norm he now considers hell?
And while you’re patting yourself on the back, quit looking for shit to call him out on. It’s the sadomasochist in us to want to get the first punch in so we can’t be called the fool. Trust me, I understand.
But ain’t you tired of fighting? You spend all those minutes, maybe even hours, of online and mobile research to catch your man cheating when you can spend days, months, YEARS giving your love and energy into a meaningful relationship.
If you want to be anything, be the one that tried. Don’t be the paranoid lover who got mad just because he liked some dude’s photos.
(3) At some point, you’re going to have to confront your thoughts – which ultimately means confronting yourself.
Whenever he’s out doing anything without me, or just not responding to text messages after he’s home from work, I seem to bog myself down with thoughts of people slipping into his DM’s.
Maybe someone interesting is grabbing all his attention? Maybe they’re sending him nudes?
These thoughts are poisonous, and I have to remind myself to waft these storm clouds above me.
This is going to sound extremely corny, but when you’re faced with times of uncertainty, repeat after me.
“Why are you thinking those thoughts? Oh yeah, because you’re fucking crazy and you need to get a grip.”
I say that to myself in my head (sometimes aloud) and it helps calm me down. Suddenly the possibilities why he’s not answering have opened up. Because once you take the focus away from what your man is possibly doing, you’re confronting yourself and your problem.
Homeboy probably ate, took a shit, and fell asleep. By allowing your imagination run wild, you’re turning simple human tasks into full on infidelity. Don’t let it get that way.
(4) But what if your man is actually going out without you? Like Vegas, San Francisco, [insert city known for parties]?”
First of all, STOP thinking he wasn’t trying to invite you. There are tons of reasons why you aren’t booked in a hotel with the dude. Maybe he booked well in advance before he even met you? Maybe the friends he’s with could only accommodate a certain number? Maybe the homies just want it to be the homies. I’m sure your man wants you to be there.
I know it’s hard trying to keep your brain from falling into shambles, especially once he starts the car and heads for the long drive out. That is why it is in this particular step that I will allow you to get crazy. TO AN EXTENT.
Grab your phone, gather the girls (or gays). This is a call to arms. You and your fellow crazies shall converge at a bar, club, shit – maybe even a local Denny’s, and you, yourself, will have a great time.
No, you’re not allowed to cheat. You’re in a relationship. But what you can do is allow yourself to drink (or eat) yourself into a stupor so you can spew all the negative shit that’s been brewing in your head. That’s where your crazy-ass friends come in.
Chances are, your friends are going to say the same exact thing I’m blogging about this very moment. You’re overthinking. You’re letting your imagination run wild. Nothing’s going to happen. And I know they’ll say this because they too have heard the same thing. Honestly, you’ve probably even tried to tell your paranoid friend the same thing when something seems to fall out of place.
If your boyfriend’s out and about, there’s no use sitting in the dark, moping about it. Get your ass out there, champ! The most important part: surround yourself with people who’ll uplift you and put your mind at ease. Also, food.
(5) Go the fuck to sleep.
If you’re awake past 10PM and you’re still worrying about some shit that’s probably not even happening, you’re headed for a red-eye flight into a 24-hour worry fest. This is a more health & body tip because for me, if I lose sleep spending too much time overanalyzing, I will more than likely take it over to the next day. Being sleep deprived doesn’t help. In fact, my mind just takes a stupid-ass idea and runs with it.
One time, I thought he was talking to someone I had hooked up with on Downelink. Do y’all remember Downelink? That’s some 2009 shit.
But seriously. Go to sleep.
(6) This is going to be cliché, but here it goes: trust him.
Before every Ryan’s Roses, Ryan Seacrest always tries to find out whether this torn lover trusts her man. The minute he finds out she doesn’t, he’s already made up his mind: “the relationship’s already broken. There’s no trust.”
People enter into relationships not trusting the very person they’re entering the relationship with. And don’t front with that whole, “I trust you. I just don’t trust others.” Let me translate what means: “I trust you. I just don’t trust others. And when you get drunk, I know for a damn fact you’ll easily be swayed into the toilet stall.”
Trust is the very component that binds you and your man. Without it, it’s a fucking train wreck waiting to happen, I’ll tell you that much.
Unless your man gives you a reason to believe he’s cheating, you owe yourself some damn peace of mind. PERIOD. Stand by his side — even when the village whore comes around, talking about, “your man’s a player. He’s hit me up before. He’s always just up in my direct messages” That’s when you immediately demand the receipts.
Without trust, you’re just never going to be happy. You will spend every waking hour in a complete k-hole, noticing that every sad song Adele’s ever belted applies to you when in reality, you’re living Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream. Free yourself from those damn shackles. Trust him.
And if all else fails, and you find out he is cheating on you… relish in the fact that you tried. You were good from the start. You put yourself out there and allowed yourself to be cherished, adored, and most importantly LOVED. That’s the big takeaway at the end of the day.
Then you just go back to being a hoe.
Thankfully, I lucked out. I don’t know how I got so lucky to meet someone so handsome, so kind, and so creative — that appreciates my quirkiness and muffin top. When you find someone like that, you’ll fight for it, I’ll tell you that much.