Being cynical can be cool. The cynic population flourishes around New Years Eve, right when people are coming up with resolutions. Y’all so quick to throw up them New Year, New Me memes’s.
They’re discouraging, but for the small population that still strive for that new me, it’s all just noise.
Now, when I said new year, new me last year, I didn’t expect to be two pants sizes up, and totally reveling in the cynic majority. This is Plus Size Neil, and that weight scale has somehow ventured into uncharted territory.
If you know me, weight has always been an issue, but I usually pay no mind. Family members always bring up my weight at get-togethers, but I got used to them being assholes about it that it never really fazed me. I think that in my state of “my-personality-is-actually-my-greatest-asset,” I seemed to overlook my weight by wearing joggers (I’ll continue to wear them forever btw) and getting outrageous haircuts.
Well, fast forward to just a few days ago, when I was filling out this application. It asked me for my weight. I remember being around the 160’s zone a few months ago — yes, bitch, fat for 5’4, I know — but I rounded up to 170 for good measure.
My mom was like, “really?”
“Just rounding up,” I told her.
Thinking about the round-up made me ponder my actual weight. Surely I would’ve lost weight by now… having drank so much water in the past few weeks in lieu of the usual carbonated beverage… and also working Haunt where I acted a damn fool for 6 hours straight. That’s a whole other blog by the way.
I stepped on the scale and [*insert tire screeching or abrupt disk scratching sound effect here*].
I’m just not going to say shit. But damn.
My resolution for this New Years was simply to learn Spanish… and also to invest myself in a creative project. But after seeing that scale spin with the quickness, the Lord and I both know that I have to lose weight.
But why? Why lose weight? You’re beautiful the way you are. You just need to have some confidence.
Yeah, true. And I’ve met some confident big boys who inspire me. But in retrospect, I think I was the most confident back when I was going to the gym REGULARLY. Endorphins kept the pessimism at bay and I was just… happier. Also, I was a partying pill-popper back in 2011.
I remember a time when I still had a social life back in the late 2000’s. When I paid no attention to how whack my face was in selfies because I knew the chin was sculpted. I also gave no shits about a full-body shot.
Today, I have to zoom in and make sure my chin’s ugly twin sister doesn’t rear her ugly head. And full body shot? Child, please. I’ll have my brother stand in front of me.
Ever since I went the drug-free route, I’ve stumbled.
I mean, c’mon. How does this…
Do y’all remember that video by Nicole Arbor? Dear Fat People? I posted my utter disgust on fat-shaming on Facebook, but this morning, when I re-watched the video, the video did a complete 180. The shit moved me in ways.
I’m only a few pounds away from 200, and I swear to all that is holy, 200 is where I don’t want to be. I’ve reformatted my iPhone and categorized a few of the apps under the folder: RESOLUTIONS. I ain’t calorie counting because the process is depressing, but I’m logging in activities, meals, and sleep cycles. Best believe, there’s a Spanish learning app in the midst of it all.
I mean, shit. I had eggs and hot sauce today. Dassit. And I’m praying that I can keep this momentum up — whatever momentum eggs and hot sauce is — to continue throughout the year. But just to make sure, I’m going to blog the process of losing weight. It’s to hold myself accountable.
And if I do have any readers, you’ll help hold me accountable by dropping a line in the inbox like, “wsup? you still eating chili cheese fries with pastrami on top? you haven’t blogged since jan. 2.”
Don’t get me wrong, please. In no way am I telling everyone else that their lifestyles are invalid. I can only tell you how I personally feel about my weight. And my view is this: there’s already a history of diabetes and high cholesterol in this family. I ain’t trying to die at 40. Also, I’ve never been at a point in my life where I was on a weight I was happy with and not on drugs. I’ve been clean for a few years now and have ju
But happy New Year, all. May your 2016 be filled with good health, opportunity, and prosperity! And for us with resolutions, may the odds be ever in our favor.